Saturday, 12 January 2013

Good Vibrations

I used a vibration machine for the first time yesterday. NO, not THAT kind! I was at the local Curves gym; (for Pete's sake women, I mean really)!

It was called the Vibra Pro Slim; just the name alone was motivating.  From what I can tell, the whole idea is to stand on it, hit some random buttons and giggle the fat right out of you. 

I was sold.  

Standing on the machine, I began to eye the various settings and programs. Leaning over the front bar, I brought up two straps and began to try to figure out what body parts they should be attached to.

Lori, the ever enthusiastic trainer was by my side in mere seconds. "Wow, you're going to try our Vibra Pro. Good for you!" Taking the straps away from me, she held up her hand, bobbing her head in an awkward invite to greet her high five. I left her hanging.  

Giving up on her offensive attempt at gym-rah-rah-dom, she began to explain all the various settings. I could feel my eyes dilating. 

"Wow, I lost you didn't I? Okay, so let's see, I seem to recall that you have a sensitive shoulder.  Does it still act up sometimes?"

"Yes as a matter of fact-"

"Great! Let's have you step off the machine for a second." I watched as she began to hit button after button. "There, now then, sit down right here in the middle." She tapped the rippled platform.

"I thought we just stood and waited for the shaking and gravity to do the work?"

"Oh, you’re so funny! Trust me. Sit."

Suddenly I wished I hadn't rejected her high five.  I glanced at the flickering numbers on the machine and wondered what setting she had adjusted it for. Around me, a few geriatrics had gathered, no doubt to watch the show. Obediently, reluctantly, I sat.

"Okay, put your arms here, sit straight but lean back, legs bent out in front of you . . . keep looking straight ahead . . . perfect." And with that, she reached over my head and hit something.  The whole machine began to shake; and me as well. "Now, just relax and get into it."

Things began to jiggle that shouldn't; parts moved east, west, north but mostly south. My face felt like it was distorting, jowls vibrating so hard I could see them peripherally moving side to side. The flesh on the back of my arms shook violently. I wondered what I looked like to the other women and dared to break Lori's rule to turn my head.  All had left, save one.  Sadness etched her face.  She placed her hand over her mouth and walked away. Clearly the sight was disturbing.

Turning my head back to face the wall, I closed my eyes and began to 'get into it'. Popping sounds came out of my neck and down my back . . . my shoulders and arms began to feel lighter and lighter. No longer self-conscious about my distorted appearance, the more I relaxed, the more rewarding it felt. All too soon, the machine whirled to a silent stop. Darn.

Slowly bringing myself to my feet, I did feel pounds lighter. Now, I'm not delusional enough to believe I lost any excess fat, but I had lost the stress and tension from my shoulders which really is one of the main reasons I go to the gym anyhow.

Lori bounded over, excitement beaming from her face, "Don't you feel awesome? Isn't it amazing?" 

Not wanting to break the tranquil relaxed state I was in, words escaped me.

I raised my hand and she enthusiastically acknowledged, slapping me a high five. 


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