Church Lady Connections . . . or Not

There is something going on.

And it’s not good.

In the past two weeks, I have had countless women bring up the topic of rejection from ‘church ladies’ until I seriously can no longer ignore it. Women from work, cashiers at stores, and—one crazy deal—a woman who remembered me from a retreat we both attended over ten years ago. She walked up in a crowded room and told me she hadn’t been back to a women’s retreat since. Why not? Because she finds being around Christian women taxing. (Um, no, don’t go there girlfriend, it wasn’t me that put her over the edge… at least I hope it wasn’t!)

And, there is no one denomination to blame; this is across the board.

In these encounters, I’ve met some amazing women and had some meaningful dialogues but to be quite honest, I’ve been left dumbfounded more than I have really been able to help.  The first few conversations were easy and I gave an example that I will share in a bit, but the last two in twenty-four hours completely tossed my brains out the window. Not that their stories were any more or less disturbing, but because my head was spinning with, ‘What? Another one?’

Anne Graham Lotz has a brand new book out and when I opened my email this week, I almost couldn’t believe it; ‘Wounded By God’s People’ is the title.  Need I say more?

God doesn’t do happenstance. He sets us up. And, I believe, He calls us to action.

First of all, in case you don’t read any further, please, please hear me. To all of you who have ever been hurt by one of God’s flawed women, I am truly sorry. I am sure there have been many times that I was busy ‘serving the Lord’ in the foyer and passed you by.  I am convinced that there have been times when in my introverted tired existence I have ignored you, or appeared to look right through you.

God forgive me, and I pray you will as well.

In the meantime, let me tell you a story.

My sister-in-law, Roxana, and her children were recently in a serious car accident. The financial and physical ramifications have affected her family greatly.  Doctors, medications and constant pain have filled her days and months since.

But here’s the thing.

Not once since the accident has Roxana blamed Toyota. Why shouldn’t she? It was a Toyota Corolla that hit her.

But, that would be silly, wouldn’t it? Because Toyota was only the creator of the vehicle; it was human error that caused the harm.

So before you toss out your relationship with God due to some insensitive women in His church, take a moment and realize that He is not to blame for any hurts inflicted on you by us. Don’t be angry at the Creator for what his creation does. It’s slightly crazy that He chooses to be represented by sinful humans, but that’s the deal. So we mess up. A lot.

God loves you—fiercely—and it pains me to hear from so many of you who have turned away from Him or refuse to open yourself up to any Christian fellowship due to old wounds and horrendous encounters. I’m not trying to play down anything that’s happened to you. Many of you have suffered straight out abuse at the hands of ‘God’s people’, but there are some amazing women out there who do love the Lord and want to get to know and love you too.

In order to dig further into stories and statistics, I would so appreciate if you could take a minute of your time and fill out an online ANONYMOUS five question survey, (4 are multiple choice – see how nice Christian women can be?)

As for this problem in our churches, the answer starts with the church lady in the mirror. Each of us need to address our own wounds, find healing, and then be brave enough to put ourselves out there. Once we get our own hearts fixed up, we can then effectively and sincerely reach out to others. Stay tuned, I think I will have a few more stories and tips to share on this timely topic.

Photo credit: Vojko Kalan

This is About That

Once, not too long ago, during a wonderful intimate time of fellowship, a lovely sharing circle suddenly turned into a brutal combat zone.

A beautiful, godly woman without warning and seemingly without cause, turned and let out a deadly barrage of ‘friendly’ fire, riveting a poor, unsuspecting ally.

The silence that followed the unprovoked attack was incredibly unnerving. A few dared to look up and survey the carnage while most of us kept our heads low and pretended to be completely engaged in our rings and fingernails.

My mind began to process the situation, trying to figure out what triggered the attack . . .

This is not about this . . . This was about THAT!

But of course!

So often people snap and spew hurtful words at bizarre times. We who witness or worse yet, receive the blows wonder what on earth just happened. The savage verbal hit is typically undeserved leaving us scratching our heads and wanting to duck for cover.

The thing is, this is rarely about this but rather about that. When seemingly sane people suddenly lash out irrationally it’s usually due to a trigger. Something said or done reminds them of a hurt from their past and click the bomb goes off. That is what they are angry at, not you and not whatever just transpired. In fact, it may be an old hurt from decades before.

It’s kind of like my dog.

She was a pound rescue and besides her oversized ears, she appeared to be a very loving, secure and ‘normal’ dog. After a few weeks with us, however, while horsing around in the kitchen one day, I whipped a towel playfully at the kids. As soon as she heard the snapping sound, she snapped! It was completely unexpected and over the top. Not in her true character at all. Clearly this little pup had a bad experience with some abuse or something that brought out the fight or flight in her. 

Ten years later, a bit more sure of herself, she can now handle a few snapping sounds before she goes off but the programming is still there. 

I believe we all have old thats.

While we may not be able to rewire our brains overnight to disconnect the this’s to the thats, as we mature and friends come alongside us in love to help us recognize patterns, slowly we can surrender our old hurts to the Lord and receive healing; fully and completely .

In the meantime, we need to show grace to our wounded friends, even when they turn and penetrate our souls with ‘friendly fire’. We need to recognize that it’s not us they are angry at (even if they don’t see it for themselves yet); they are reacting to old snapping towels from their past. 

Each situation will bring unique circumstances that need to be handled differently. No matter what, in moments like these, we need to go to them in love. Hurts typically only get that deep when inflicted by those who should have loved and protected them. So, as sisters, it’s up to us to give them an extra measure of grace in order to help them build trust. It’s not easy. Not to those reaching out nor to the deeply wounded soldier trying to rebuild their life.

Thankfully, the Lord will take our thats and transform us until we are controlled by His Spirit, not the this's. 

Until then, just keep remembering that This is about That and don’t take it personally. And, never go out—even to a Bible Study—before you put on your whole armor of God. It's a spiritual battlefield out there!

(Then there's the Theses and the Those's . . . don't even get me started on Them!)

Found Joy at Starbucks

I met a woman a few weeks ago while in a Calgary Starbucks . . . she was in her early thirties and had a smile that lit up the room. Very quickly I could tell that she was perhaps the main source of energy for this particular Starbucks as Baristas and patrons alike greeted her by name.

Slowly she maneuvered towards a spot by the window. Being that my husband Don had seen her coming and had jumped up to open the door for her (he’s such a charmer) I felt I had an 'open door' to approach her.

Introducing myself, I asked her a simple question, ‘What’s your story, Tammy?’

She smiled sweetly and in an ever so slightly stilted voice told me it was long.

Thankfully, I had time.

A strong athlete, she had been recruited from Castlegar to play volleyball at Southern Alberta Institute of Technology. During her first year, the eighteen-year-old was on her way to school when she was T-boned in an intersection by a young man who was not paying attention and ran a red light. Her head actually came off her spine, decapitating her for all intents and purposes.

When she arrived in the ER, they immediately called her parents and enquired if they wanted them to try and fuse her head back on (with unknown long-term complications) or take her off life support and let her go.

Her parents-thankfully unaware of the extent of her injuries-weren’t ready to let her go and told them to do anything necessary to save her life.

Now, sixteen years later, Tammy lives an exceptional life of joy. Her cane and slow walk do not define her. Nor do chronic migraines keep her home. Daily physical therapy appointments do not depress her. She is not bitter and has never had even a moment of ‘Why me, God’ but instead embraces each day knowing it is a gift from God.

She confesses that she doesn’t know God, but that she knows He has a purpose for her life and that He exists because . . . she still does. I know she’s right. That God has had His hand on her and is leading her somewhere. I am so excited to watch His purposes unfold!

Tammy is strikingly beautiful, both inside and out; her story is powerful and I was humbled to have spent a few minutes with her. When I see her so full of joy, seemingly unaffected by the constant pain, and somewhat limited mobility, it certainly removes any excuses for me to be miserable or complain.

Meeting her has compelled me to live a better, more meaningful life; it's been almost a month since our meeting and I pray and think of her almost daily.

One way she has impacted me is that I am going to stop and ask people their stories more often. I encourage you to do the same.

Who knows how much someone's story can impact your own. . . and don't we all want to live better stories?

(Tammy is on the wall of distinction at SAIT; write up can be found here)